The internet and phones are down in our area and there’s a strange ghostly flicker on one of the security cameras, I am in the first fifteen minutes of a horror movie


What horror movie character are you? I’m the person who accidentally releases a horror back into the world because I saw the (haunted, evil) book that was its prison and felt sorry for it and brought it home to read it

I am fascinated by the fact that almost everyone has claimed a "died in the first fifteen minutes" spot

@checkervest i like to think I'm the guy who finds the meteor in the woods and picks it up

really tho I'm the guy who just gets got by being in the wrong spot in the dark

@checkervest meteor guy is aspirational tho, like, first contact, luxury alien death

i'm likely to be the guy out on a walk who gets done in by a claw from the darkness

@douglasfur yeah if I'm being, like, realistic I'm the receptionist who says "hey, wait, you don't have authorization to be here" and then screams as the screen goes black and the music goes wild

@checkervest I'm 100% the person who just has to read the evil book to know its forbidden contents

@checkervest I live, but go to my grave regretting the choice I made, knowing I would make the same choice if faced with it again

@MmeLibertine who hasn't wanted to read an incantation out loud just to see how it sounds?

@checkervest the guy who gets fucked up by an animal-shaped demon because he wanted to pet it

I'm that guy who is too weak to kill his already infected girlfriend or other loved person as promised before.

@checkervest I'm the annoying best friend who's probably fat and right about everything but no one listens because I'm annoying about it and then I get killed.

@bright_helpings everyone would have gotten out okay if they'd just listened to you!!

@checkervest I’m the gay that dies for being promiscuous and gay

@Siph aw no ☹️ you were the fan favorite anyway, everyone writes in-depth analyses about ways you could have survived to be in the sequel despite your very onscreen death

@checkervest I'm the one who gets stealthily possessed by the malicious entity and then goes around subverting the protagonist's plans

@tessaracked I sincerely hope every now and then when no one's looking your eyes flicker to a different color and you smile maliciously

@checkervest I'm a background character who gets one funny line and then gets killed immediately

@schratze a vitally important role. near the end of the movie, when the heroes are gearing up for the final showdown, they take a moment to remember your sacrifice

@checkervest The first guy who dies to introduce the killer or monster. My mutilated body later flops onto the protagonist(s) from a crawlspace as a jump scare.

@checkervest I'm definitely the person who refuses to do the "fun" scary thing other characters are doing, like perform a ritual or break into an abandoned asylum, and instead I go home nice and safe and then get got by the monster in a jump scare, I'm possibly the first victim of the movie

@Louisa oh yeah absolutely, "come on, stop, someone's going to get hurt," you say, as just outside of your field of vision the monster grins to itself

@Louisa @checkervest You're like "So let me get this straight, you want us to a) Pair up into small groups, with just these Walmart walkies that keep picking up Chinese satellites, b) Go deep into this ostensibly abandoned building with a powercut where someone has been drawing on the walls with blood?"

@sullybiker @checkervest "I'm going back to the hotel", I say smugly, demon already hidden in the back seat of my car

@checkervest I'm the well meaning neighbor that hears the main characters screaming, tells them to go hide in the basement while I investigate, and then sickening wet sounds are heard from off-camera and I'm never seen again

@MmeLibertine @balrogboogie you bought them some time, though! and I'm sure they can find some weapons in the basement

@checkervest @MmeLibertine @balrogboogie The weapons are never in the basement. Do you know what *is* in the basement?

@sullybiker @MmeLibertine @balrogboogie the basement's where someone kept their machete collection, all hanging by the handles from swaying chains. sure the monster's there too but now you all have machetes

@sullybiker @checkervest @MmeLibertine @balrogboogie i have: a freezer so full you can't even hide in there, a mattress, a high chair, lots of clothes for winter which we should bring up now, a christmas tree, a high chair that we've already traded for some of the food in freezer.

anyway, all the weapons are in the kitchen and under the bed.

@meena @checkervest @MmeLibertine @balrogboogie If the weapons are under the bed where the heck is the monster supposed to hide

@sullybiker @checkervest @MmeLibertine @balrogboogie look, i'm Sorry, Ok! the apartment is really crammed. but the shower, OR the bathtub is usually free.

we haven't had time to tidy up properly in about three years now, with pregnancy, child, and pandemic, and i'm sorry, Ok? i'm really sorry. maybe we can reschedule this horror to next October?

@meena @checkervest @MmeLibertine @balrogboogie It'll be fine, just make sure the shower curtain is drawn all the time so nobody is suspicious that something might be hiding there

@checkervest I'm the lady who works there and happens to have known about the great evil that has been released due to it being a story from my culture. I also say one word in spanish per sentence

@Bugaboo (such a frustrating trope!) if people had just listened to you at the start no one would have been lost! the group figures out a way to make your story fit a very literal modern interpretation and they use computers or something to trap the monster... but you know there's still something out there.... the movie closes on you looking ominous while repeating a line from the story about how it always comes back

@checkervest i was told by a friend that i seem like a horror movie final girl and i have held on to that compliment. i do match a lot of the common final girl traits. i don’t have much common sense though lol

@xyzzy you are the first person who isn't dying in the first fifteen minutes!! hell yeah, be the final girl, get that monster and survive to tell the tale!!

@checkervest To one up them I will claim to be one of the people who died to create the myth the characters are enticed by yet dont believe in until it's too late

@tan oh damn, "died" in the first act and returns triumphant in the third

@checkervest I’m the person who survives just so the writers can say they didn’t kill everyone, but then I die in the tenth sequel after long, clumsily written struggle with the trauma of that day.

@changeling oh absolutely a good one. you live out in a survivalist's shack out in the woods surrounded by traps, and when the tenth movie protagonists seek you out to hear your story they bring... something.... with them

@checkervest yeah… Or I could be like that one woman in The Final Destination movies and live in a high security institution. Works either way.

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