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I once got to a concert like 25 minutes early so I hit the bar and grabbed a beer. Started chatting with the guy next to me and he just WENT IN on his lizard people live beneath the surface of the earth and they eat people so they have exit holes all over the planet to come up and snatch people away. 1/?

Anyway, turns out the lizard people are at war with grey aliens and the aliens are actually good guys trying to protect humanity from being eaten. He knows this because his girlfriend is “sensitive” and she had an encounter with the grey aliens one night that included her getting dragged through her bed and psychic communication with an orb. 2/?

An orb, you say? I’m glad you asked. So a buddy of his went scuba diving in Mexico and while they were down there, they found an underwater Mayan temple, so they decided to check it out (as you do). His buddy felt like he had been there before, like he knew the way. He swam to the heart of the temple where he came across a blue orb. He felt it calling to him, telling him to take it. 3/?

So naturally, when a mysterious orb commands you to do something you do it. He takes the orb and then the temple begins to collapse around him. They BARELY make it out of the wreckage, swim up and then he takes the orb back to the states (I assume customs did not bother to check the orb for psychic energy). He knows about this girls “sensitivity” so he generously gives the orb to her. 4/?

Strangely though, the orb doesn’t seem to want to communicate anymore! So she puts it on her shelf like a tchotchke. Then one night, she gets a FEELING that the orb belongs in water, so she takes the orb and climbs into the bathtub (I guess the orb wasn’t picky about salt or fresh). The orb then starts emitting a strange musical sound like chimes and glows slightly. 5/?

So she's pretty jazzed up about the orb finally doing something cool, she tells her boyfriend about it and then hits the hay. She wakes up a few hours later and standing over her is a grey alien. She can't move at all. She's stuck looking at this thing. Then she feels hands grab her around the waist and she's pulled down THROUGH her bed. Like sinking into sand. 6/?

Once she falls through, she finds herself inside the alien's ship. There, the aliens relay to her the story about the lizard people. How anytime someone goes missing and isn't found, it's because the lizard people pulled them down into the bowels of the earth to devour them and that the grey aliens are doing their best to kill the things off. 7/?

That's basically the end of the story. I eventually pissed the guy off by looking up how many people go missing and are never found in a given year and we determined that if there ARE lizard people there probably aren't very many anyway. So I guess be friendly to aliens and steer clear of mysterious holes in the ground. TOOT CHUTE COMPLETE

@Thomas I would like to subscribe to his newsletter.

@checkervest now imagine hearing it live and in person, lol

@Thomas @checkervest so like, surely drugs were involved, but I would be hard pressed to name which ones and at which times.

@fradleybox @checkervest honestly? Short of the beer we drank together I’m convinced he was entirely sober.

@Thomas i mean i don't want to accuse him or his friend of plagiarism but that "put the orb under the water and it'll sing" thing is straight out of harry potter

@scribblefrog yeah, this was probably 15 years ago? Harry Potter was a thing, but not like a BIG thing. I don’t think all the books were out yet.

@Thomas i mean goblet of fire was released in 2000 but the first film wasn't released til 2001, so maybe he thought he could get away with it lmao

@scribblefrog are you implying that his friend DIDN’T find a mysterious orb in the ocean?

@Thomas i would never do such a cruel and unrealistic thing as to say that

@derek whoever said “don’t talk to strangers” was fucking wrong.

@Thomas @julia Yeah, I'd love to hear about lizard people v Grey alien cagematches from a rando

@derek @julia he brought it up apropos of nothing as I recall. It was a long time ago, so maybe I asked him something about himself

@Thomas @derek I'm so annoyed. People keep trying to talk to me and they never say anything this interesting.

@gebargel The trick was to keep encouraging him to share more.

@Thomas I never even get to the point where someone shares these ... things with me, but I'll do that when I find one of these people

@Thomas

Plot twist:
The orb magically splits into two
and @djsundog comes out of it.

@Thomas Wow. I'm very glad that you boosted yourself because I missed this story the first time around, and... wow.

@minego I don't even remember what band I was there to see

@Thomas Clearly that doesn't matter now. I'm not sure it mattered then.

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